I can only guess that it made the world he went
back to…strangely without meaning. Though he lived in it, though he even
enjoyed it, it remained utterly remote. I think it had lost sense for
him. In his heart was the reflection of a lovely dream that he could
never quite recall.
-Somerset Maugham
I very rarely go out to eat, and even more rarely by myself, but yesterdayI
thought I would treat myself while I was out running errands. I went to Rice Box. I don't go out for Chinese
food. I find nothing more disappointing than going and eating something
that doesn't even vaguely resemble actual Chinese food and it generally just makes me melancholy.
Maybe the food at this place was close enough to being real to call up a pain that was hiding
below the surface. Maybe it was simply eating Chinese food alone.
But it felt like a shot in the heart. The longing that I felt at that
particular moment for China was more poignant than it has been in months, since
I first came back.
What am I doing here?
I have plans, aspirations, motivation, but I feel so completely stuck in limbo that it feels eternal. Waitressing makes me feel like my life is over and constantly reminds me that I'm overqualified for it and just want to get out. I fake it, but I feel like I don't belong. Everywhere I go is the constant reminder that I'm stuck here, getting into a groove of a boring, stagnant life. I can't do anything till I'm out of school, but even the fact that I got stuck here is infuriating. I can't intern till next summer, I can't work until I graduate, I can't move until I find a job somewhere else.
I miss my life in China but wonder, at the same time, if I'll ever, mentally, be able to go back. It's such a different life than the one I am leading.
Maybe this is all because I'm simply lonely. There is no one I can connect to here, I haven't found anyone with interests the same as mine. My friends are scattered across the globe now, especially since many were able to graduate and find jobs (I can only blame Katrina for so long before the excuse gets old). They have kept going, and I am still behind. Maybe a trip to visit some of them would get me out of this funk that I'm in. Or maybe it'll just put my life into a harsher contrast than I am currently seeing it now in my mind.
I look ahead and see my life being so impermanent, jumping around from place to place. But at the same time, my life seems so completely stuck. Limbo kills.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore
and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
~Steven D. Woodhull
