Like I've said before, I don't usually like doing these. To me, the year coincides with a school year. This is the middle of the year for me, not the end or the beginning. Man, last January seems so long ago. I was only half way through my stay in China. Before I met Pickup or Scott or Brigette. Strange.
I guess another reason that I don't know what to write here is that I have accepted the fact that things change. I won't go on and on about how I wish I was in China or how much things suck compared to before. Why bother? Things never stay the same, situations change day by day, year by year. So it goes, right?
It alls comes around. Cause and effect. Things change. No point in regretting something or wishing for something else, it takes its course, right? I suppose.
My parents wouldn't let me go back to New Orleans and wouldn't let me go to Chicago or Boston for school either. I decided not to push it and stay here. It's cheaper and I've spent so long thinking about myself. My parents are old, they would never be able to retire if I kept going to an expensive school. So I fall into the life that I detested from afar for such a long time. University of North Texas. Not graduating. A number at a school. Nothing matters.
I switched to Political Science, which I'm enjoying. If I'm going to stay in school for another few years, may as well do something else. But it'll get me nowhere. What can you do with that? What can you do with any degree from UNT? It seems kind of pointless. Dragging it on. Barely taking any classes when you know you can do so many more because you have to get a job, you have to work. I wish I could just DROWN myself in school. So I couldn't even breathe.
But nothing will happen here. So I take control again. Make a jump. Was Thailand a good choice? I don't have the money. It's just another thing that I'm doing for me. But I want to do it. No one really understands. It's not Thailand, I would do it if it were the middle of Russia. My parents think I just want to lay on a beach or something. I couldn't care less if I spent the entire month working instead of having part of it be a trip. Let my parents think I'm shallow, it doesn't really bother me that much.
There are so many things that I want to do in my life. So many things that probably can't be done. Attachment is suffering, they are right about that. How many things will I not be able to do because of attachment? What would I do with my things if I decided to join the PeaceCorp or something equivalent, or join a nunnery for a year? How could I leave my cat? But it isn't that I'm attached to taking care of my cat and the well-being of my cat, but I'm attached to my cat. It makes all the difference, you know? It is a strange feeling, knowing that you can never really be free. I guess we all feel it though.
We make ourselves. Maybe I don't like what I've become, but I did it to myself, didn't I? More or less. Cold and alone.
New Years resolutions? Bah, they'll never stick, but hey, I can make them again in a few months on the Chinese New Year. Renew them so to speak.
1) Call people back. Seriously. I'll call you Doug, I promise :)
2) Go to the gym at least 3 times I week. I've gotten lazy
3) Save money. I don't know how I spend it but the money I spent grocery shopping today could have fed me for a month in China.
4) Study Chinese. I don't want to lose it all.
5) Make it to the Buddhism temple in Arlington at least once. Maybe the one in Keller too.
That's all for now.
Hope everyone is having fun :) I was thinking about breaking out the mini champagne bottle that I've had in my fridge for a year.